Last Year, Getting on the Plane Was the Win

Yesterday, I flew a plane.

I need to say that again because WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. I flew a plane. 😂

Stu let go of the controls. I held them. I moved them. The plane responded to ME. There is actual video proof of this happening, which is helpful because part of me still can’t quite believe it.

And maybe this wouldn’t be such a big deal if you didn’t know where I was a year ago.

Last year, getting in the plane was the win

Last year, I was doing exposure therapy around my fear of flying, and when I say I started small, I mean small.

I went and watched Stu first. Then I did a walkthrough of the plane. Another time, I sat in it. Eventually we taxied. Then we worked our way up to a takeoff and landing before I finally went for an actual flight.

It sounds almost simple when I write it out like that. It wasn’t.

There were panic attacks and tears. There was breathing and regulating and trying to convince my body that I was okay when it was quite certain I was not. There was believing in myself, pushing myself and coming back to try again.

At that point, I wasn’t trying to become someone who loved flying. I certainly wasn’t imagining a future where Stu would TAKE HIS HANDS OFF THE CONTROLS and leave me responsible for keeping an actual airplane in the sky.

I was working on the next step in front of me.

I didn’t realize how far I’d come until I looked back.

Progress can be sneaky like that. When you’re living it day by day, the changes can feel so small that they’re almost impossible to see.

You do the scary thing once and then you do it again. Maybe the next time your heart doesn’t pound quite as hard. Maybe you recover a little faster. Maybe eventually you realize you’re doing something that once felt completely fucking impossible.

There isn’t always some enormous moment where you suddenly announce, Well, that’s fixed!

At least there hasn’t been for me.

I’m still scared of flying, and that’s part of what makes yesterday so fucking incredible. My fear didn’t have to disappear before my world could get bigger.

I think I used to imagine progress differently. That eventually I’d reach some magical point where the fear was gone and then I’d know I’d done it.

But apparently you can still be afraid of flying and also fly the plane.

Who knew? 😂

And then Stu let go

A year after all of those tiny steps, there I was sitting beside Stu when he let go of the controls.

And I took them.

I held the plane. I moved it. I FLEW THE FUCKING PLANE.

I’m sorry, but I’m going to need to keep saying that for a while. 😂

Last year’s win still matters

This is the part I keep thinking about.

If I had looked at myself last year and thought, Getting into the plane isn’t enough, I would have missed how important that step actually was.

It was enough. It was huge.

That version of me wasn’t failing because she couldn’t imagine doing what I did yesterday. She was doing the thing that was possible for her then.

And every time I watched, sat, taxied, breathed through the panic, cried, regulated myself, got back in and tried again, I was building something I couldn’t see yet.

Yesterday, I got to see it.

That’s probably why I’m sharing this story. Yes, I hope someone who’s scared of their own thing reads it and sees a little possibility for themselves. Maybe the thing you’re working toward feels enormous right now and the step you’re taking feels ridiculously small.

Count it.

I can’t promise where your tiny steps will take you, and I don’t think fear always disappears when we do the work. Mine certainly hasn’t. But I know how easy it is to dismiss the beginning when we’re staring at how far there is still to go.

Sometimes you have to turn around and look at how far you’ve already come.

Last year, exposure therapy meant working up the courage to get into the plane.

Yesterday, I flew it.

And if you’d told me then that this was coming, I probably would have laughed in your face.

So yes, I’m sharing this in case someone else needs the hope.

But I’m also sharing it because I am so fucking proud of myself.

This was hard. I did the work. I kept going. And yesterday, for a few completely surreal minutes, I got to experience where all of those little steps had taken me.

Holy shit.

I flew a plane. ❤️✈️

I’ve left a light on for you.

Shannan